So J got us new phones, they are matching which I think is cute until I accidentally pick up his instead of mine - then not so cute. I have been trying to get used to all the apps and new buttons, as this phone is way more advanced than my old flip phone. It's also much bigger, which makes me wonder where exactly are you supposed to carry it? It's much too big to fit in a pocket, and we all know I don't have room in my itty bitty purse. Where do you carry yours?
In other news I decided to start my "confessional" blog for the new year. Hopefully it will help me understand that I'm not the only one who let's the laundry pile up, or leaves the dinner dishes in the sink. So be prepared to see the completely unorganized side of this Momma.
Now I will leave you with this adorable photo of Alexa when she was little-er, I just happened to be browsing on this new phone and found it - not sure how it got on the phone (this one or the old one) but I'm glad I have the photo.
Which is making two sets of booklets for the kiddos. Seems easy enough, the teacher wanted a cardstock cover and back because they will be adding to the booklets and they need to be sturdy.. Doesn't seem like a challenge does it? Well think again. The paper "room" at the school is out of paper, we're talking those teachers are lucky that they get white paper. In addition to that it says right on the copier that you cannot put colored paper into the copier. Well shoot.
So what is a mom to do, I take the project home and raid my cardstock pile - which yes I have an abundance and 80 sheets is not going to put a dent in my collection. When I was finished my office looked like this:
I seriously think that volunteer work is more work than regular work. For one thing the reason they need volunteers is because they have no money, and no money means no supplies.
In addition to that, a teacher complained that I was "hogging" the copy machine.. then walked off in a huff. Seriously I didn't know there was copy machine etiquette, I thought it was first come, first serve... And second this teacher should have simply said, "I really need to make this one copy real quick." I would have been more than happy to move over, but the attitude was just ridiculous.
Then I was caught by the PTO, who apparently have decided that the treasurer needs replacing due to having too many other commitments.. so guess who is the new treasurer? Yup, me. I hope it will look nice on my resume :)
I am saying no from here on out to anything else that comes my way. Maybe in the new year I will accept additional responsibilities but I need to see how I do with the ones I've got first.
And today, I am in pain. I skipped class, which I probably shouldn't have. But I would have been a distracted blob of jelly anyways. I've been googling joint pain trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Every one of my joints hurts, from my fingers, to my spine, to my knees... and hurts like a 7 on the 1 to 10 scale. As if someone injected acid in each joint.. I have been popping 6 to 8 Tylenol daily for the last week. I know it is partly due to the rain, as I only had a few days of pain over the summer. But I can't be giving all my money to Tylenol which only dulls the pain a notch or two.
So thankfully I FINALLY got my student loan approved, and we will have money again - YAY! Too bad I have to start paying it back in February - boooo! But I am going to the dr. tomorrow and I hope to good gracious that something can be done about this semi-chronic pain. It's so draining.
Last week I volunteered to help set up the bulletin board for Parent Night, and I had quite a fiasco going on. First the teacher said I could use this board in the hallway, then I get started and another teacher comes and states that she has that board and I should not be putting anything on it. Then I go to the office to see if they have some sort of "board directory" or for heaven sakes a book about board etiquette or something. Only to hear that the person who knows that sort of information will be back in 30 minutes.. O..K.. what am I going to do in an elementary school for 30 minutes? So I wander around.. now mind you, I had an early morning meeting so I am dressed to the nines with my suit and my killer hooker boots, so I am totally rocking the elementary school hallways here :)
Luckily I run into a lady from the PTO whom I met during the first PTO meeting (of which I was the ONLY parent there who was not a board member...) she kept me entertained and we had a good time chatting. I like her, she is very down to earth and funny, and she didn't even mention my ridiculous outfit.. but I digress.
So after the mandatory 30 minutes, I go back to the office and the lady is STILL not there.. UGH! I have now been volunteering for an hour and I haven't gotten anything done. So I sit in a chair where the office people can see me impatiently kicking my heels.. I get no respect..
I go back to Alexa's classroom and grab my granola bar because I am darn near starving from all the calories I have burnt with my impatient pacing. And the teacher tells me to just keep doing what I am doing and don't worry about the other teacher. But I feel sort of stuck in the middle because Alexa's teacher is new and I don't want it to seem like she's bossy or stepping on any of the other teachers toes, so I decide to go directly to the 'clowns mouth' and go back to the office to hear the directions for myself.
Once I get the right office worker to help me she comes out with a diagram of all the boards, their locations, and the respective teacher that has that space. OMG, 45 minutes later she tells me I can use a different board than the only I've already started and I've been asked if I am a new teacher FOUR times (which I kindly deny while pointing at my VISITOR name tag... and without shouting, "NO who would want to work with you people?!?!?!") So I try to re-think how I am going to un-staple the part that I already have stapled, and move it to this other wall.. when another 2nd grade teacher comes up and says that I can use the board I am using, and that the teachers have already worked it out.. Okay, back to ground zero.
But I got it done, and when I was finished the original teacher who caused such a fuss came and said it looked nice, and I politely said that I was sorry for the confusion and I hope it all works out in her favor.
I CANNOT believe elementary school politics. Those teachers were practically brawling over corkboards!
So here's hoping that tomorrow is better, however the school staplers suck.. Seriously 4 staples before you get one that works - I told the office that they need to get a Swingline and they'll never have to replace them again.. The bureaucracy of it all - I may just bring my own stapler with me.. Might be easier and faster that way.
Adrianne is adjusting, I am still helping her out in the morning but she is getting better and make a TON of friends. That kid is a friend magnet - we have had many playdate requests already. I love spending time in her classroom and getting to know all the others kids, which is challenging because 1/2 the kids names start with either an 'A' or a 'B'... like Aiden, Braden, Alexys, there is even an Adrianna.. yikes! I could not believe it, I don't know how the teacher keeps them all straight. Adrianne is not getting any homework - which drives me bonkers! I give her challenging worksheets everyday after school, and we always add in time for reading. Her class this year is working on Heart words, which are words they should know by heart - she knows most of them.. and they are learning their ABC's in sign language - which she also knows as she learned them all at Kidspace (LOVE that place). So I'm not sure how much she is currently being challenged, but I am Super confident that her teacher (who taught 2nd grade last year) is going to push her as far as she can.. which I LOVE. They already told me that her first of the year assessment put her at the top of the entire kindergarten class, WOW! (and considering she lost a lot of reading words while in the Philippines, I am very proud of her).
Alexa is taking her time to meet new friends. She said that she still plays with her friends from last year and hasn't made any new friends from her classroom. Although the other day she did say that she spent the entire recess talking to a 'girl who I forgot her name' and she was proud of herself for talking to someone new :) She has also started back with her Girl Scout troop so she will be making some new friends there. We even let her friend come over for a playdate - which has never happened before. It was fun, I'm hoping we can do it again.
Adrianne informed me this morning, much to my SHOCK, that, "Yesterday when I was getting my backpack, Braden held my hand..." OMG, WHAT?!?! NO way child, my hand is the only hand you will be holding for the next 12 to 15 years - no exceptions! It was all I could do to refrain from saying, "Which BOY.. Show me him NOW!" LOL. But I am biased because I am still attached to her little romance that she had with Hayden at Kidspace - he was the cutest kid ever, he's totally going to be a heart-breaker, and I've always wanted a boy named Hayden... so I could have a cute little son-in-law, someday.. (I guess you know I'll be having a hard time with getting attached to the BF's later on..)
Everything else is going well, I've been doing awesome (well I have a sore throat at the minute, but still). In fact I am so looking forward to the holiday season I'm excited to spend it happy and joyful this year. Lets keep the good times rolling :) It's so much nicer to feel happy and content instead of always worried and uncomfortable. My world is in a good place, may is stay there for the long run!
Then I realized how much of a turn around I have had since a couple months ago when not only would I panic at the thought of leaving the house, but I was also unable to drive my car. It's amazing to feel empowered by the sheer 'opportunity' to do normal things, especially when normal has been lost for so long.
Here's to many more moments of sun and that pull of excitement.
Did you look at the word?
If no, please look again.
If yes, proceed with caution.
So here goes.. I don't have a normal 'one'... which has never bothered me, I mean who would be bothered by only having 2 to 3 of 'those weeks' per year, instead of having 12 of them? Plus you can really save alot of money when a box of P's or T's last a whole year! It's like getting a haircut and not having to buy as much shampoo - well not quite the same, but you get the drift.
However, when I was at the doc for my 'annual' well not really annual for me, as I haven't went since I had Adrianne.. but anyway, after much poking and prodding - which I still don't understand why I have to pay someone to do those torcherous things to my innards - the doc said that I should take something to force my body to have a 'cycle'. I looked at her and said, "Well I produced two kids just fine, with or without regularity. So I would say that things are working just fine in there." Or so it would seem. So I explained to her that the docs don't give you a B/C prescription unless you have an 'annual' so I have not been on B/C since Adrianne. Of course, she gave me a look of pure shock and countered with, "So if you get pregnant, that is okay with you?" I just rolled my eyes, saying, "It's been five years, and on top of that I GOT pregnant with Adrianne when I was on the pill!" I don't think she liked my answer. In my mind it's harder to 'plan' the perfect flower filled pregnancy, why not just let it happen when it happens? I know others don't share that thought, but after having two unexpected little darlings that I love dearly, I just don't think it would 'ruin' me to have another unexpected snotty-nosed delight drop into my world.
But then the doc explained to me that if the body does not rid itself of these 'toxins' then it could be a pre-curser for cancer... I'm not sure about the 'fact' of that, but I caved anyway. And after going through the poking and prodding I guess I might as well take one more pill (along with my others).
Only now four weeks into it... and I am beginning to think I might have made the wrong choice. The cramps and chocolate cravings, irritability and bloated-ness, are really not putting me in a happy place. Twelve of these.... one down, 11 more to go.
But I'm supposed to be looking at the 'brighter' side of things! So here is the bright side: I will not have another doctor look at me with shock, confusion, and disbelief; when I state that it's been nine months since my last cycle.. Bonus :)
So imagine my surprise when I headed to bed and found it sitting right under my bedside lamp.. I thought, "Wow, how thoughtful of her to surprise me like that. What a sweet little darling angel."
Then I looked inside and had a mixed reaction, I was both glad that she was so thoughtful.. and sad that this is where here thinking led...
Yup, that is my gift... one of my prescriptions (which I take in the morning, hence why it sits on my nightstand) and a pair of earplugs that I wear to bed so I can sleep without being awoken by every bump in the night.
The doctor today said I should think about the 'brighter' side of things.... so I guess all I have to say is that I DO always tell her that these medicines will make mommy feel better. And thankfully I think they are working because I do see how this could have been a depressing V-day gift, but on the other hand it's really thoughtful - especially for a 5 year old.
Just found a psychologist who can hopefully help me with my anxiety/coping issues. And more so I hope she can find a better medication for me (I don't think the one I am on is strong enough/working properly). So I have yet another appointment for Feb. 10th. It's all doctors for me.. Gosh I wish to never see the bills rolling in, but I know they will soon.
Also J spent 5 days in the hospital, again with his blood clot from 2008. He is out now and on blood thinners. They say he has a clotting disorder, called Lupus Anticoagulant, there isn't very much information out there about it or if it can be passed on genetically. We are going to meet with a hematologist next month to get more information (even he had to spend time researching it).
Well I'm going to plop myself in my usual resting spot on the couch and watch some more meaningless TV (atleast I can stay focused on it now, haha). This is a long, long road... and although it took a couple months to get to this place, I think it may take several more to get out of it.. Total craziness - next time I go off my meds, someone whack some sense into me :)
On the upside, today was bright and sunny and I spent several hours just sitting in the sunlight - because I believe it really can improve a persons well being. I went outside and filled my bird feeders (took me a while to find something to do that didn't require much energy). I also did the dishes - my first time doing them in over a week, and cleaned off some of the counters and the coffee maker. I had an energy today that I haven't felt in about a month.
Which is kinda strange.. why is it strange you ask? Well, mostly because yesterday I spent 95% of the day in bed crying in pain and wishing my hubby would run me over with the car. I have no idea what the big difference was between the two days? I do know however, that yesterday I ended up with the worst chest pains I have ever experienced in my life. Honest to goodness the pain was unbearable and topped up there with full on labor. If I was older I would have thought I was having a heart attack because seriously it was like a elephant was chillin' on my chest. I took 4 pepto bismols and had no relief. I suffered for FOUR hours... OMG it was the worst hours, and I just wanted it to end. But then I thought about Melanie and her chewy tums that she had when we went to Dallas, and I immediately sent my aunt to the store to buy some... Thank god for tums, I may have to invest in them, maybe 2 minutes after chewing them up, the elephant decided to get his fat @$$ off my chest and I felt so much better. I could actually get up and walk around, it was a miracle (ofcourse then I was mad at myself for not thinking of it 4 hours before!).
I had some additional discomfort throughout the night, but I was able to sleep from 2am to 8am, maybe that is why I feel better today. I hope tomorrow will be like today, and that everyday after that will continue to improve.
On the other hand, J is having some major stomach issues. To the point where he spent 80% of today on the couch, it's so sad to see him in pain. He is usually able to ignore any pain and just work right thought it - so I know this must be serious. And he is supposed to start working Saturdays this week and throughout tax season.
I really hope we get better soon, it seems like this has been going on for ages. And with me feeling better, and then taking a 180 turn around, people are starting to think I'm crazy (or maybe I just think they think I am crazy... I've always had perception issues). I'm so glad my aunt has been able to take the kiddos to school and pick them up, and even do the dishes for me and keep the kids entertained. When we feel better we will have to do something nice for her.
I had mentioned this feeling to a few people over the long weekend, just about how I generally feel like I am either zoned out or just going through the motions, similar to flying on autopilot. I feel like I'm just going through the day and doing what I absolutely HAVE to do. I notice that I turn on the TV but I don't really give a rip what is on, I don't really laugh at the comedies, nor do I feel sad at the dramas. It's a strange feeling to have, or should I say, not have.
The people that I talked to about this said that it is probably just that the brain chemicals are still out of whack and I need to give it all more time to right itself. I guess this sounds logical, but it's sort of hard to drive when you find yourself randomly staring at the license plate of the car in front of you. Or when you can't decide if you want to lay down and rest or actually try to accomplish something.
Other than feeling like a completely indecisive and emotion-less zombie, I think I am physically fine. I am back to eating a somewhat normal amount of food, and I can finally take a full size bite and drink water without sipping it! And my stomach is not continually churning and burning. I would say that physically I am probably about 90% - with the 10% missing being energy, muscle strength, and some random stomach pains.
However, mentally I am struggling. I would say somewhere between 70-75% not much is holding my attention at this point. My hope is that this will get better, and that things will stabilize and I'll find myself doing normal things again, and perhaps even enjoying them. At this point I'm not even interested in doing crafts (*gasp* how can that be?).
I had to take the semester off of school, and honestly I am really glad I did. I can't imagine trying to keep up and stay focused, when I can't even maintain interest in a 30 minute TV show. But like everything, that choice has consequences too, like no loan money to help pay for Adrianne's school... luckily though, J got a raise, so I think we will be okay financially.
Well I guess tomorrow is another day, and we will try the driving thing again. Alexa came home early today because she told the teacher that she felt sick (however she seems just fine to me). Hopefully tomorrow she will make it though the day. Time to put the potatoes and carrots in my roast, and Adrianne has a special pre-school night at the elementary school tonight - which J will have to take her because I don't think my heart can take any more today.
I'm sorry I've been such an emotional yo-yo during this holiday season, and just to hear you ask, "Mommy why are you crying?" has gotten me horribly upset and turned me even more into a nutcase. I may be having some internal chemical issues but I still love you dearly and you're the best little person a mommy could ask for. And this mommy hopes that within the week things will turn around into better days. I hate to admit but I really got knocked off my feet in December and what started as a little hand full of snow has turned into an all out blizzard. It's like living in a nightmare, but I don't want to miss any of these amazing memories and I will do my best to remember all the good things even if I cannot enjoy them to the fullest at the moment.