I'm tired of the sickies...

I feel yucky.  If I don't eat, I feel yucky, if I do eat, I feel yucky...  I'm not happy about it at all.  The evenings are the worst as I think that is when my Prilosec starts to fail me (although I take a second dose before dinner).

Just found a psychologist who can hopefully help me with my anxiety/coping issues.  And more so I hope she can find a better medication for me (I don't think the one I am on is strong enough/working properly).  So I have yet another appointment for Feb. 10th.  It's all doctors for me..  Gosh I wish to never see the bills rolling in, but I know they will soon.

Also J spent 5 days in the hospital, again with his blood clot from 2008.  He is out now and on blood thinners.  They say he has a clotting disorder, called Lupus Anticoagulant, there isn't very much information out there about it or if it can be passed on genetically.  We are going to meet with a hematologist next month to get more information (even he had to spend time researching it).

Well I'm going to plop myself in my usual resting spot on the couch and watch some more meaningless TV (atleast I can stay focused on it now, haha).  This is a long, long road...  and although it took a couple months to get to this place, I think it may take several more to get out of it..  Total craziness - next time I go off my meds, someone whack some sense into me :)


To Blog, or not to Blog....

I really hate complaining about everything, but recently that's about all I've been able to do.  So just roll with me for now.

On the upside, today was bright and sunny and I spent several hours just sitting in the sunlight - because I believe it really can improve a persons well being.  I went outside and filled my bird feeders (took me a while to find something to do that didn't require much energy).  I also did the dishes - my first time doing them in over a week, and cleaned off some of the counters and the coffee maker.  I had an energy today that I haven't felt in about a month.

Which is kinda strange..  why is it strange you ask?  Well, mostly because yesterday I spent 95% of the day in bed crying in pain and wishing my hubby would run me over with the car.  I have no idea what the big difference was between the two days?  I do know however, that yesterday I ended up with the worst chest pains I have ever experienced in my life.  Honest to goodness the pain was unbearable and topped up there with full on labor.  If I was older I would have thought I was having a heart attack because seriously it was like a elephant was chillin' on my chest.  I took 4 pepto bismols and had no relief.  I suffered for FOUR hours...  OMG it was the worst hours, and I just wanted it to end.  But then I thought about Melanie and her chewy tums that she had when we went to Dallas, and I immediately sent my aunt to the store to buy some...  Thank god for tums, I may have to invest in them, maybe 2 minutes after chewing them up, the elephant decided to get his fat @$$ off my chest and I felt so much better.  I could actually get up and walk around, it was a miracle (ofcourse then I was mad at myself for not thinking of it 4 hours before!).

I had some additional discomfort throughout the night, but I was able to sleep from 2am to 8am, maybe that is why I feel better today.  I hope tomorrow will be like today, and that everyday after that will continue to improve.

On the other hand, J is having some major stomach issues.  To the point where he spent 80% of today on the couch, it's so sad to see him in pain.  He is usually able to ignore any pain and just work right thought it - so I know this must be serious.  And he is supposed to start working Saturdays this week and throughout tax season.

I really hope we get better soon, it seems like this has been going on for ages.  And with me feeling better, and then taking a 180 turn around, people are starting to think I'm crazy (or maybe I just think they think I am crazy...  I've always had perception issues).  I'm so glad my aunt has been able to take the kiddos to school and pick them up, and even do the dishes for me and keep the kids entertained.  When we feel better we will have to do something nice for her.


Shift it into Autopilot

So today was a big day.  It was the first day that I have taken the kids to school this year.  A task I was previously unable to accomplish due to a range of issues.  So I had relied on family and friends to take the girls to school and pick them up each day for the last two weeks.  But since I have been feeling somewhat better I decided that it is time for me to 'test the waters'...  and I think I did pretty good.  I delivered them both on time, and with minimal heart palpitations.  I did however notice just how 'out of it' I have gotten.

I had mentioned this feeling to a few people over the long weekend, just about how I generally feel like I am either zoned out or just going through the motions, similar to flying on autopilot.  I feel like I'm just going through the day and doing what I absolutely HAVE to do.  I notice that I turn on the TV but I don't really give a rip what is on, I don't really laugh at the comedies, nor do I feel sad at the dramas.  It's a strange feeling to have, or should I say, not have.

The people that I talked to about this said that it is probably just that the brain chemicals are still out of whack and I need to give it all more time to right itself.  I guess this sounds logical, but it's sort of hard to drive when you find yourself randomly staring at the license plate of the car in front of you.  Or when you can't decide if you want to lay down and rest or actually try to accomplish something.

Other than feeling like a completely indecisive and emotion-less zombie, I think I am physically fine.  I am back to eating a somewhat normal amount of food, and I can finally take a full size bite and drink water without sipping it!  And my stomach is not continually churning and burning.  I would say that physically I am probably about 90% - with the 10% missing being energy, muscle strength, and some random stomach pains.

However, mentally I am struggling.  I would say somewhere between 70-75% not much is holding my attention at this point.  My hope is that this will get better, and that things will stabilize and I'll find myself doing normal things again, and perhaps even enjoying them.  At this point I'm not even interested in doing crafts (*gasp* how can that be?).

I had to take the semester off of school, and honestly I am really glad I did.  I can't imagine trying to keep up and stay focused, when I can't even maintain interest in a 30 minute TV show.  But like everything, that choice has consequences too, like no loan money to help pay for Adrianne's school...  luckily though, J got a raise, so I think we will be okay financially.

Well I guess tomorrow is another day, and we will try the driving thing again.  Alexa came home early today because she told the teacher that she felt sick (however she seems just fine to me).  Hopefully tomorrow she will make it though the day.  Time to put the potatoes and carrots in my roast, and Adrianne has a special pre-school night at the elementary school tonight - which J will have to take her because I don't think my heart can take any more today.


When did you change?

 January 30th, 2006

I can hardly believe that this little bundle of joy is celebrating her 5th Birthday today.  I don't know where the time went but I am sad to see it go.  It could be the lack of meds that has me watery-eyed but I'm sad that I can barely carry you and that you no longer need me as you used to.  However, I am happy to see you growing and becoming your own person.  You definitely do not stand in your big sister shadow and you make your own path wherever you go.  Everyone who knows you, knows that you're a ball of energy with a big attitude.  And we all love you very much.

I'm sorry I've been such an emotional yo-yo during this holiday season, and just to hear you ask, "Mommy why are you crying?" has gotten me horribly upset and turned me even more into a nutcase.  I may be having some internal chemical issues but I still love you dearly and you're the best little person a mommy could ask for.  And this mommy hopes that within the week things will turn around into better days. I hate to admit but I really got knocked off my feet in December and what started as a little hand full of snow has turned into an all out blizzard.  It's like living in a nightmare, but I don't want to miss any of these amazing memories and I will do my best to remember all the good things even if I cannot enjoy them to the fullest at the moment.

 It took Two Walmarts but we FINALLY found 'the' bike!
 Hey they are both smiling!
(No my kitchen is not florescent yellow, and those cupcakes got banged around in the back of the car, oops!)

 A little blurry but I had to add this one..  she's like a little monkey :)

Happy Birthday!