A First..

Today while driving to my counseling session I saw how nice and sunny it was, seriously a rarity this spring, and I thought to myself: "I wish I could take the kids to the zoo today."

Then I realized how much of a turn around I have had since a couple months ago when not only would I panic at the thought of leaving the house, but I was also unable to drive my car.  It's amazing to feel empowered by the sheer 'opportunity' to do normal things, especially when normal has been lost for so long.

Here's to many more moments of sun and that pull of excitement.

Too Much Information... Period.

Before reading, please take a careful look at the last word in my Title, because that is what this is about...



Did you look at the word? 

If no, please look again.
If yes, proceed with caution.


So here goes..  I don't have a normal 'one'...  which has never bothered me, I mean who would be bothered by only having 2 to 3 of 'those weeks' per year, instead of having 12 of them?  Plus you can really save alot of money when a box of P's or T's last a whole year!  It's like getting a haircut and not having to buy as much shampoo - well not quite the same, but you get the drift.

However, when I was at the doc for my 'annual' well not really annual for me, as I haven't went since I had Adrianne..  but anyway, after much poking and prodding - which I still don't understand why I have to pay someone to do those torcherous things to my innards - the doc said that I should take something to force my body to have a 'cycle'.  I looked at her and said, "Well I produced two kids just fine, with or without regularity.  So I would say that things are working just fine in there."  Or so it would seem.  So I explained to her that the docs don't give you a B/C prescription unless you have an 'annual' so I have not been on B/C since Adrianne. Of course, she gave me a look of pure shock and countered with, "So if you get pregnant, that is okay with you?"  I just rolled my eyes, saying, "It's been five years, and on top of that I GOT pregnant with Adrianne when I was on the pill!"  I don't think she liked my answer.  In my mind it's harder to 'plan' the perfect flower filled pregnancy, why not just let it happen when it happens?  I know others don't share that thought, but after having two unexpected little darlings that I love dearly, I just don't think it would 'ruin' me to have another unexpected snotty-nosed delight drop into my world.

But then the doc explained to me that if the body does not rid itself of these 'toxins' then it could be a pre-curser for cancer...  I'm not sure about the 'fact' of that, but I caved anyway.  And after going through the poking and prodding I guess I might as well take one more pill (along with my others).

Only now four weeks into it... and I am beginning to think I might have made the wrong choice.  The cramps and chocolate cravings, irritability and bloated-ness, are really not putting me in a happy place.  Twelve of these....  one down, 11 more to go.

But I'm supposed to be looking at the 'brighter' side of things!  So here is the bright side: I will not have another doctor look at me with shock, confusion, and disbelief; when I state that it's been nine months since my last cycle..  Bonus :)

Happy Valentine's Day Mommy

Yesterday while at school Adrianne made this cute little Valentine bag for me, I asked her why it was empty and she said because it was for a present at home..

So imagine my surprise when I headed to bed and found it sitting right under my bedside lamp..  I thought, "Wow, how thoughtful of her to surprise me like that.  What a sweet little darling angel."

Then I looked inside and had a mixed reaction, I was both glad that she was so thoughtful.. and sad that this is where here thinking led...

Here is the bag she made:

This is what I saw inside:

A closer look..

Yup, that is my gift...  one of my prescriptions (which I take in the morning, hence why it sits on my nightstand) and a pair of earplugs that I wear to bed so I can sleep without being awoken by every bump in the night.

The doctor today said I should think about the 'brighter' side of things.... so I guess all I have to say is that I DO always tell her that these medicines will make mommy feel better.  And thankfully I think they are working because I do see how this could have been a depressing V-day gift, but on the other hand it's really thoughtful - especially for a 5 year old.

I'm tired of the sickies...

I feel yucky.  If I don't eat, I feel yucky, if I do eat, I feel yucky...  I'm not happy about it at all.  The evenings are the worst as I think that is when my Prilosec starts to fail me (although I take a second dose before dinner).

Just found a psychologist who can hopefully help me with my anxiety/coping issues.  And more so I hope she can find a better medication for me (I don't think the one I am on is strong enough/working properly).  So I have yet another appointment for Feb. 10th.  It's all doctors for me..  Gosh I wish to never see the bills rolling in, but I know they will soon.

Also J spent 5 days in the hospital, again with his blood clot from 2008.  He is out now and on blood thinners.  They say he has a clotting disorder, called Lupus Anticoagulant, there isn't very much information out there about it or if it can be passed on genetically.  We are going to meet with a hematologist next month to get more information (even he had to spend time researching it).

Well I'm going to plop myself in my usual resting spot on the couch and watch some more meaningless TV (atleast I can stay focused on it now, haha).  This is a long, long road...  and although it took a couple months to get to this place, I think it may take several more to get out of it..  Total craziness - next time I go off my meds, someone whack some sense into me :)

To Blog, or not to Blog....

I really hate complaining about everything, but recently that's about all I've been able to do.  So just roll with me for now.

On the upside, today was bright and sunny and I spent several hours just sitting in the sunlight - because I believe it really can improve a persons well being.  I went outside and filled my bird feeders (took me a while to find something to do that didn't require much energy).  I also did the dishes - my first time doing them in over a week, and cleaned off some of the counters and the coffee maker.  I had an energy today that I haven't felt in about a month.

Which is kinda strange..  why is it strange you ask?  Well, mostly because yesterday I spent 95% of the day in bed crying in pain and wishing my hubby would run me over with the car.  I have no idea what the big difference was between the two days?  I do know however, that yesterday I ended up with the worst chest pains I have ever experienced in my life.  Honest to goodness the pain was unbearable and topped up there with full on labor.  If I was older I would have thought I was having a heart attack because seriously it was like a elephant was chillin' on my chest.  I took 4 pepto bismols and had no relief.  I suffered for FOUR hours...  OMG it was the worst hours, and I just wanted it to end.  But then I thought about Melanie and her chewy tums that she had when we went to Dallas, and I immediately sent my aunt to the store to buy some...  Thank god for tums, I may have to invest in them, maybe 2 minutes after chewing them up, the elephant decided to get his fat @$$ off my chest and I felt so much better.  I could actually get up and walk around, it was a miracle (ofcourse then I was mad at myself for not thinking of it 4 hours before!).

I had some additional discomfort throughout the night, but I was able to sleep from 2am to 8am, maybe that is why I feel better today.  I hope tomorrow will be like today, and that everyday after that will continue to improve.

On the other hand, J is having some major stomach issues.  To the point where he spent 80% of today on the couch, it's so sad to see him in pain.  He is usually able to ignore any pain and just work right thought it - so I know this must be serious.  And he is supposed to start working Saturdays this week and throughout tax season.

I really hope we get better soon, it seems like this has been going on for ages.  And with me feeling better, and then taking a 180 turn around, people are starting to think I'm crazy (or maybe I just think they think I am crazy...  I've always had perception issues).  I'm so glad my aunt has been able to take the kiddos to school and pick them up, and even do the dishes for me and keep the kids entertained.  When we feel better we will have to do something nice for her.

Shift it into Autopilot

So today was a big day.  It was the first day that I have taken the kids to school this year.  A task I was previously unable to accomplish due to a range of issues.  So I had relied on family and friends to take the girls to school and pick them up each day for the last two weeks.  But since I have been feeling somewhat better I decided that it is time for me to 'test the waters'...  and I think I did pretty good.  I delivered them both on time, and with minimal heart palpitations.  I did however notice just how 'out of it' I have gotten.

I had mentioned this feeling to a few people over the long weekend, just about how I generally feel like I am either zoned out or just going through the motions, similar to flying on autopilot.  I feel like I'm just going through the day and doing what I absolutely HAVE to do.  I notice that I turn on the TV but I don't really give a rip what is on, I don't really laugh at the comedies, nor do I feel sad at the dramas.  It's a strange feeling to have, or should I say, not have.

The people that I talked to about this said that it is probably just that the brain chemicals are still out of whack and I need to give it all more time to right itself.  I guess this sounds logical, but it's sort of hard to drive when you find yourself randomly staring at the license plate of the car in front of you.  Or when you can't decide if you want to lay down and rest or actually try to accomplish something.

Other than feeling like a completely indecisive and emotion-less zombie, I think I am physically fine.  I am back to eating a somewhat normal amount of food, and I can finally take a full size bite and drink water without sipping it!  And my stomach is not continually churning and burning.  I would say that physically I am probably about 90% - with the 10% missing being energy, muscle strength, and some random stomach pains.

However, mentally I am struggling.  I would say somewhere between 70-75% not much is holding my attention at this point.  My hope is that this will get better, and that things will stabilize and I'll find myself doing normal things again, and perhaps even enjoying them.  At this point I'm not even interested in doing crafts (*gasp* how can that be?).

I had to take the semester off of school, and honestly I am really glad I did.  I can't imagine trying to keep up and stay focused, when I can't even maintain interest in a 30 minute TV show.  But like everything, that choice has consequences too, like no loan money to help pay for Adrianne's school...  luckily though, J got a raise, so I think we will be okay financially.

Well I guess tomorrow is another day, and we will try the driving thing again.  Alexa came home early today because she told the teacher that she felt sick (however she seems just fine to me).  Hopefully tomorrow she will make it though the day.  Time to put the potatoes and carrots in my roast, and Adrianne has a special pre-school night at the elementary school tonight - which J will have to take her because I don't think my heart can take any more today.